Reflection

 In November of my fiftieth year, I realized that the time was proper to perform an act of contemplation and self reflection, or at least attempt to do so. I set out to measure fairly, as well as I was able, those parts of my life which I deemed to be of value, and pause there, committing no act of self condemnation for the parts I found lacking, nor did I intend to crown myself with olive branches for any meritorious aspects of my life. I wished to discover some truth about myself, to better know who I was and, if possible reflect on the path I had taken to come to this place.

I know I am not burdened with an overabundance of original thought and to put a none-too-fine point on it, I refer to Ecclesiastes, "there is no new thing under the sun".  Its true.  In fact, much of my life is most probably a reenactment of some deceased persons life, but I do not intend it to be so.   I do not think of myself as a plagiarist at heart, and I have not, as far as I know, copied an other's work without proper attribution and I will not start now.  Perhaps Thoreau, while sitting in personal reflection at Walden, did not commit an act of self-analysis such as I contemplated but it sounded like something he probably would have done, or could have.  Had he thought of it.

Some time went by while I tried and failed to complete my task   It would not strain my schedule to commit some portion of my day to my goal and it didn’t seem to overtax my mental capacity.  Still, I made no progress because the whole thing just did not sit well and I was therefore vexed.  Quite vexed. 

The problem was that the task, as I thought of it, sounded like something Thoreau might have done while he sat and contemplated Walden Pond and, since I overthink things, attempting that act caused me to think and think and then it hit me like an outbreak of chickenpox in a daycare.   It inflamed my privates.  It abraded my undercarriage.  It chafed my frank and beans.  

So, since I could not commit myself to steal the thoughts and literary awesomeness of the great Monsieur Thoreau through an admittedly obscure form of plagiary, I couldn't get over the fact that I was approaching a line in the proverbial sand that cried out to me "Thou Shalt Not Pass".   Like I said, I was vexed.

However, I do profess to conduct myself, in word and deed, on the goodly side of the mean, so I can hardly walk away from the battlefield unchallenged and still claim victory, so, I then cast aside my goal of self reflection and moved on to something at bit more productive. I do then claim these newish postulates for my life;

For myself - I choose to live my daily life better, to more perfectly complete the remaining portion of my life, as far as I may, in the hope that, should I someday complete an act of honest reflection, I could be then proud of the person I have been, lacking in all shame or regret.

For my children - I elect to offer a better example of how one might choose to live intentionally, with both unrestrained zeal and full definition of purpose. I further resolve to let my children lead lives that they chose instead of causing them to relive mine.

For my employer and co-workers - My profession had become a nuisance to my life, an act I pursued partially and with reservation, I elect to perform to a higher level, completing at the end of each day such acts as would, if possible, be judged exceptional, leading when leadership is called for, following when appropriate, I chart a new course for that portion of my life.

For my wife - I vow to recommit myself to being a man worthy of her affections, to become that which she envisioned at the birth of our marriage. Given that I am incapable of glorious acts on the world stage, I admit that this effort may be insufficient of all that she deserves, but I would strive for some degree of sufficiency and hope for success as best I may.

For others - I understand my failure to discover forgiveness for those wrongs I perceived to have been committed against me, so as an act of contrition, I vow to offer service to others.

For my God - My failure to honor my God in thought and deed has been a source of shame so I should and would therefore attempt some small measure of undefined restitution.